Melissa King
 

About Melissa

Melissa King is a life coach and certified holistic health counselor.  She created MyHeartDances to empower women not only to follow their heart, but to know their heart.  She believes that to discern what we want, we must know ourselves well and take responsibility for who we are - and sometimes that means making tough choices and taking risks.  MyHeartDances encourages authenticity, honesty, integrity and respect for one’s self and others.  Melissa believes that women experience the most meaning and value in life when they start doing what they say they’ll do and stop making promises to do things they don’t really want to be doing.
 

Melissa has worked with women of all ages to achieve their weight loss goals, eat healthier, make more satisfying choices about their career, and to take important risks for their future.  She has also helped women to experience more of what they want from relationships by working to improve self-esteem and by providing tools that help them better communicate who they are and what they need.

 

Melissa offers private coaching, professional women’s groups, young women’s groups, and healthy, organic cooking classes.  She has led workshops and seminars for staff at organizations throughout New York City including Columbia University, New York Law School, Harlem Hospital, Lenox Hill Hospital, the New York Television Festival, and students at Broadway Dance Center.
 

http://myheartdances.com

 

Join Melissa's Group, "Discovering You" in the forum.

 

Latest Entry


Feel Like You're the Only One Struggling?

Does it ever seem like life is so much easier for the people around you than for you? Do other people seem to be successfully navigating the ins and outs of life while you feel like you are struggling just to keep up the pace?

Maybe it's in your career advancement, in romantic relationships, in your creative pursuits, in your eating and exercise habits, or in your finances...

You feel like nothing is going right for you or that other people have some secret about life that was never told to you.
 

Wise Old Saying

About ten years ago, someone said something to me about how we view others that has stuck with me ever since:  "We compare our insides to everyone else's outsides."

 

We take everything that's going on with us internally, and all of the life issues that we are trying to manage, and we look at another person from a distance, and they appear to have it made.  Everything just seems to be going smoothly for them.  We often don't see their struggles, or their problems, or the difficulties that they face/ or have faced.  By comparing ourselves in this way, we feel more alone and alienated in our own struggles.

 

But the truth is that life isn't easy for most of us.

Looking at Others

Sometimes I still fall prey to looking at others and thinking life is working out perfectly for them, and that if I had made the choices they made, or if I could be as smart as them, or if I had the money they had, or if I was as pretty as them, or creative as them, then I wouldn't be struggling so much. And then when I actually sit down and talk to that person and learn about their life, I find out that their story is not that simple. It was only I who imagined it so. Most people are dealing with something that is gripping, or they have a story about how they got to where they are that involves much more difficulty and pain than you thought.

Life is hard. And we don't always have the opportunity to hear the stories of the people who we think "have it made." And many of those people don't want to share their stories. It's either not appropriate for them to tell you, or it would make them feel too vulnerable. And that's understandable.

Choose Acceptance or Change

But for you, remember this the next time you start to compare yourself to someone else. Maybe you aren't seeing the whole picture. Stop for a moment and get re-centered. And think about either accepting yourself just as you are, or working on the aspects of yourself that need change. For most of us, comparing ourselves just makes us feel bad and makes us do less, not more for our individual situation.

 

Previous Entries


Do You Ever Hide Who You Are?
 

This weekend I was doing my regular morning walk in Riverside Park.  I suddenly had this kid-like urge to jump up and see if I could hit the leaves on the trees above my head.  I actually have this urge often.  :-)

But for some reason I just continued to walk.  I found myself thinking "what if I miss and the people walking behind me laugh or think I'm weird."

Do you ever do this?  Do you ever edit yourself because you are worried about what someone might think or how they might respond?

I think we all do it.

We edit ourselves to prevent from possible social awkwardness, possible failure, looking stupid, being vulnerable...

If we didn't hide some things, we'd probably all be weird and socially awkward, but I think we would have so much more fun!  We'd probably all be laughing with each other, not at each other - and we'd probably have more real and intimate relationships.

I don't like it when I hide myself.  How much more fun would it be to just skip through the park and jump up and hit leaves, and play and not worry about looking too "adult" to do these things?

In my less self-conscious moments I have found myself skipping along Broadway with a huge smile on my face.  No one ever looked at me weird.  Actually, I made people smile.

Why was I the only one doing it?  Why is this a weird thing to do?  I bet you're thinking - "I would never do that."  

Why not?

Have you ever missed out on something because you were afraid to show that you were interested, that you wanted it?

Anyway... after I realized what I was doing and that I shouldn't be missing out on my life because I am worrying about what the people behind me might think - which would probably look more like "I want to do that
too" rather than "Oh my gosh, I can't believe she did such a silly thing," I did jump up and try to hit the leaves on the next tree and I didn't miss!  yay!

I know this is a simple example.  But when we hide in the small things, we could be hiding in the bigger things too.

Life is too short, and can be too much fun for you to edit yourself, to hide yourself in order to appear to be cool, confident, and "together."

Let loose.  Be yourself.  Take a risk.  Say what you feel.  

We have one week left of "official" summer.  Do something fun.  Make some memories.  Don't just sit-in by yourself and be a lump on a log. 

 

 

 

Commitment and Intimacy
 

Many women say that they are looking for a committed relationship, but they always seem to find themselves attracted to men who do not want a committed relationship with them.
 

Does this sound too familiar?

You're not quite sure how you do it, but every man you end up liking seems to be unavailable in some form or fashion. Often, these men are also attracted to you, but they don't want the same thing you want. Somehow you seem to find this man and get swept up by him before you even knew he was that "type."
 

Could Simply Be Odds

We could blame all this on odds. Women tend to want a committed relationship earlier in life than men do, and more women want committed relationships than men do.

However, there are men out there who are capable of falling in love and committing to a relationship. We see them all over the place. And there are actually some men who are looking for a relationship, but find themselves in the same scenario as the women I mentioned above.
 

What Could Explain This?

I think women in our society have been socialized to assume they want a committed relationship, and our society hasn't really addressed fear of commitment in women. Every article in the media relates fear of commitment to men. So I think it's rare for a woman to think that she too might have some fear of commitment and intimacy.

Now, as you are reading this, you might be saying - "No, I definitely want to have a committed, intimate relationship, so this doesn't apply to me." Well, I understand why you might think that, and I believe that, truly, a relationship is probably where you want to end up. But if this is where you want to go, I think it's important to look at an intimacy issue we might have here.

 


Pretending to be Someone You're Not

 

Many women try to enter a relationship with a man trying to be someone who she is not. By this, I mean, you might try to do one or more of the following things: you try to always act positive and happy around him, so that he thinks you never have any problems or bad days; you never tell him when something he does bothers you or hurts you because you don't want to appear to be a nag; you don't share with him what you want from a relationship because you don't want to scare him away; and/or you do everything he wants to do the way he wants to do it - accommodating him all the way, you lose yourself.

Because you are afraid of being vulnerable and trusting, you may in fact tell him everything he does wrong and approach him in a manner that assumes he has bad intentions. (but that is another article - hmmm perhaps next week - it is possible to communicate your hurt and fears without making your man think you hate him).
 

Sharing Your True Self

So what does this have to do with fear of commitment and intimacy? Well, if you do any of these things, you are not sharing your true self. You are not letting your partner see the real you which would allow for a relationship that requires negotiation, compromise, and understanding on both sides. You are afraid to let him know when you feel sad, angry, hurt, or vulnerable. You are afraid to let him know that you are head over heals in love. But intimacy requires sharing all of these things. Otherwise, your potential mate will be having a relationship with an image, not you... and eventually your walls are going to come down, and this partner is going to be surprised. After all this time, when he sees the real you, he's going to say "You're not who I thought you were."
 

People who don't want a long term relationship or who are unable to have one because they are afraid of intimacy will instantly be attracted to people who are the same way - they will be attracted to you and you to them because the kind of relationship you are offering won't require anyone to deal with these things.

 

Know Yourself Well

So my advice - if you think you are one of these people, but you really do want a relationship is 1) Get to know yourself and what you need as much as possible, and 2) Be authentic and share who that person is, easily letting go of those who are not truly compatible.

Last, but not least - if you think this means letting it all hang out on the first date, then I would question whether you really know yourself and what you need... Always being honest is important, but so is knowing the other person and discovering over time, whether they deserve your heart and your trust.
 


Self Esteem and Self Worth

 

I think weight gain and weight loss are strongly correlated with self-esteem and self worth. Whether it is they symptom or the cause, women often hide behind their weight. They believe that they will not be recognized by the kind of men they would like to date, that they will have a more difficult time being respected in social settings, and/or that they will be more challenged to get ahead in their career.

 

On the flip side, some women protect themselves from sexual advances by keeping on weight. They use their extra weight to get around feminine ideals and demand respect in their workplace or intellectual field.

 

Most women I know feel the affects of their extra weight. They worry about their health. They worry about lost opportunities in life. They feel uncomfortable in their clothes, etc. I think part of the reason that weight loss is difficult to maintain is because as one begins to lose weight, they begin to feel more vulnerable in the world. The weight, unknowingly, has been a protective barrier. Rejection that is experienced or inadequacies that one has can be blamed on weight.

 

When a person begins to lose weight, they may begin to feel vulnerable because now people can see the real person underneath. That person can no longer blame their perceived inadequacies on their weight. People might want to get close to that person, but perhaps the woman who is losing weight fears that she cannot live up to expectations of some feminine ideal.

 

Weight Gain as a Cause of Insecurity

 

Sometimes weight gain has nothing to do with any of these things. Weight gain comes slowly overtime, and along with it insecurity and lower self-confidence. In this situation, weight gain may be the cause of low self worth as opposed to the symptom.

Either way, what I think is beautiful and amazing, is that when a woman begins taking care of herself, she feels proud of this. She begins to understand her self worth because she is not only treating herself as worthy, but she also sees herself as more beautiful in social context. She will often begin taking chances that she was too afraid to take before. Maybe she will flirt with that man she has always had an interest in. Maybe she will realize that if she could lose weight, she can accomplish anything, so she will go after another dream and successfully attain it.

I work on weight loss with women because I think women hide themselves behind their weight, and I want to see the women I know feel good about presenting themselves confidently. I want to see them feel good in their body. I want to see them feel great in the clothes they try on. We can say that a person should be able to do these things even if they are heavier, but I don't see this being lived out very often. Most women I know don't feel good with the extra weight on them, irrespective of social values.

 

 

It's Time to Make it Happen
 

Today I'm encouraging you to Seize the Day! or Seize the moment!

Have you ever had anything that you wanted to do, but you were waiting for something else to happen first?

Or rather, DO YOU have something you want to do, but you are waiting for something else to happen first?

I'm talking about something you keep saying you are going to do, but that you are not actively taking steps towards.

 

What Are You Waiting For?

 

You are just waiting for Time, Inspiration, Money, etc., and hoping that it will somehow arrive at your doorstep one day.
 

How long have you been waiting?

 

Last week a client of mine said, "I'm in my 20's, and this is a time I should feel good about my body, feel attractive, and be healthy. I don't want to remember my 20's as a time I was struggling with weight problems."
 

I Relate

I relate to her. I gained a lot of weight in my late teens and early 20's and I kept saying I was going to lose it, but I never stayed committed to any diet program... I spent my early 20's feeling uncomfortable in my clothes, and not even trying to flirt because I didn't believe boys would be interested in me because of my weight.

 

Finally I realized that this was not what I wanted my life experience to be. And I changed it. And it did make a difference in my life. I feel really great in my body, and I feel really great about finally going after other things I wanted to do but was afraid to.

 

This weekend another friend of mine, a filmmaker, has been waiting for the Right Idea and the Right Inspiration to get started on his next project. A certain amount of waiting and exploring is necessary, but after awhile, you just have to step forward. He said, "How long am I going to wait? I just have to grab hold of an idea and make it what I want it to be."
 

Time Doesn't Wait for Us

Before you know it, it will be next year. And next thing you know, you'll be 10 years older. It's amazing how time just passes us by. It doesn't wait for us. It's time to get a move on. Make great memories!
 

 

Does the Self-Esteem Movement Make Us Insecure?

 

Do you ever worry that people aren't telling you the truth about your own strengths and weaknesses, or where you fall short? Do you worry that people aren't being honest about the areas in your life where you could improve - whether it be a skill set at work/play or in relationships? Do you worry about this because you know they are afraid of hurting your feelings?

Or the Reverse


Do you ever avoid the truth and lie to your friends about their strengths and weaknesses just to make them feel good? Do you avoid telling people where they're falling short because you don't want to make them feel bad?

In America we have a big push to increase the self-esteem of individuals, especially children. In fact, some teachers are even being encouraged not to grade in red because it might be too discouraging to the students. I think it's great to work on building self-esteem, but I wonder if some of our ideas about how to do that actually produce insecurity instead of confidence?

What if We Were Honest?

I have a question. If the people in your life were honest with you about the difficult things to say, would you feel more trusting of them when they gave you a compliment or encouragement?

I think we've gotten to a point where we almost expect that people will always say something positive about us when we ask for their opinion, even when we don't deserve a positive remark. We don't expect people to tell us the truth when we are messing things up or when we're not doing well at something. If this is the case, how will we know when they truly are telling us the truth? How will we know when we truly have abilities that we should feel confident in? How will we know when we really do need to work on improving something?
Healthy self-esteem comes when we can acknowledge our weaknesses and still accept ourselves.

 

It is when we can acknowledge our weaknesses and take responsibility for them. It is when we can acknowledge our weaknesses and still receive love from the people around us. (Poor self-esteem sees weaknesses and then hides from people, or it pretends the weaknesses don't exist.)
Healthy Self-Esteem

Healthy self-esteem is not pretending that we do not have weaknesses. Healthy self-esteem gives us the confidence to know we can work on improving our weaknesses. Healthy self-esteem recognizes that even though we have weaknesses, we also have strengths.


Now I am not encouraging ruthless honesty in the sense that the truth is told in an insensitive manner. I think the truth should be told with the intent of helping the other person. It should be told sensitively. It should be expressed humbly, remembering that you have weaknesses also.

(Certainly there are situations where there is no room for sensitivity, like if a person is being intently rude or hurtful.)

I believe that when you know the truth, and you trust that you have something to offer no matter what your weaknesses are, you will begin to grow a strong foundation of self-esteem.

 

 

A Balanced Perspective


1. Dealing with Anxiety - Part 1

The other day I was feeling a bit of anxiety, and there was a particular person in my life on my mind. This person is actually not that involved in my life, but she's very connected to my life. After making myself conscious of the anxiety, I realized that I was thinking about something personal I shared with her and I was worrying what she thought of me as a result.

Now, what I said didn't concern anything about her life; it concerned only my life. But I felt vulnerable in revealing to her this aspect of my life and I felt anxious that she would be judging me and thinking less of me as a result of hearing about these circumstances.

In most cases I would have chosen not to reveal this thing at all, but in this situation I felt it was necessary.

Looking at all the Pieces

Not wanting to be feeling this way, I stopped to think about it as I was relaxing and stretching before bed last night. I mentally separated the pieces of what I was feeling along with the circumstances. I then asked myself how rational my worry was. Knowing this person, I have no doubt that she is capable of judging me. But I realized that I'm actually OK with that. I don't need her to think highly of me all the time. Certainly what I revealed is not something to judge someone over, it just happens to be an issue I think she judges people over.

My Pride Wants Attention

It was only my pride that needed her to respect me and think I'm great. My ego is stroked when she does. I don't know why. I suppose it's just human nature. But the truth is, I don't need her approval at all. My life doesn't change one bit if I don't have it.

Let me be clear. This was a revelation and acceptance, not a reactionary defense mechanism. Sometimes what a person thinks of us really does matter to us, and we try to act like it doesn't matter, even though it really does.

In this situation, I was feeling anxiety over what someone thought of me whose opinion, I realized, doesn't matter to me. I really can be okay with it if I don't live up to her expectations. In fact, I know I won't live up to her expectations. She is judgmental towards a lot of people.

Some of you may be wondering why I keep this person in my life. Well, there are things I love about her for one, other very important things. And although she is not very involved in my life, she plays an important role of meaning in my life.

The First Steps to Calm

When we are feeling anxious, one of the first steps to calm is breaking down the pieces of our anxiety, asking ourselves what happened, and what is it that we really fear. Is it our pride that is begging for something, or is it a loss that will be significant to us? Sometimes we will find that our anxiety is out of habit, or coming from an effort to hang on to something that isn't all that meaningful.

It is true that anxiety is often the result of something that is meaningful, and I will address that in another newsletter.

Write it Down

For now, write down the things that worry you. Ask yourself what they mean.  Ask yourself if there is a constructive way to handle them. The simple act of writing them down often helps us to put things into perspective. When we allow them to float around in our minds...they often consume us and become bigger than they actually are.